So anyways, for the past few days I've had that wonderful feeling of not being satisfied with anything. You know... it's that nagging feeling that whatever you do it isn't fun enough, isn't with the right people, isn't the best use of time. I guess you could call it grass-is-greaner syndrome or something. Bah! As I write, I am realizing even more how hard it is to describe. Hmmm... it's like you can have all of these people around you, but you still feel isolated or lonely. It's such a weird transition period right now, almost weirder than going off to college. Right now I miss my college friends. I still love my high school friends and want to spend time with them. I love hanging out with all my neighbor friends (and yes jesse, some of those neighbor friends are cousins). And with all of this I know I'll be leaving back to college come September, most likely to never actually live at home again.... a scary thought... Anyways my thoughts continue on....
Gah! I want to for once do something extreme. I always am the mature one, the one who doesn't like to ruffle feathers or get needless attention. I can't even bring myself to do something different with my hair... I always play it safe, nervous as hell of getting in trouble, in trouble with whom it doesn't matter. I just go along with life and just let it pass by, always waiting for a better time. You know... that time in the future when all the good shit is supposed to roll my way. And I know if I just keep waiting like this, I'll be a 30-something single male with only work '"friends" and no social life.... dismal thinking I know... but like I said I'm in one of those moods.
It's like this with the ladies. Now let me take a moment to explain the philosophy that has guided my dating (well lack thereof) since jr year of high school. I am a very practical person. I like to think that I see things very clearly, I don't set impossible goals, I don't take many risks. So with girls, my mindset was as such: I'll be leaving for college soon. We'd probably have to break up when we parted. So why even do it? I can't bring myself to do the fling. I tried that too. There's just way too much baggage that always comes back to bite you in the ass. OK... so what a fucking terrible philosophy! God and I still am practically living by it now. There's always that time in the future where something might go wrong. The relationship either has to have the possibility of permanance or it doesn't happen. Now delving into the deeper psyche, I have a feeling where this comes from. When my parents divorced, I vowed I would never do such a thing. I'm sure there's more to it but now committment is the scariest fucking thing because I am so scared of failure. It's a viceous cycle of loneliness mixed with practicality mixed with being pissed off.
What about college dating? You'd think that living in the dorms would make things easy. The sad fact is that I only know about half a dozen girls by name (now I'm bad with names so me remembering their name constitutes a slight friendship), not counting the few from Mitty. Most of my classes had very few girls in them (stupid engineering) and I joined no clubs because I'm an idiot. I don't really go out to parties because most of the available parties were frat parties and I really really despise those. I always use the excuse when people ask: "I'm just too busy." And perhaps I am.... but maybe I should make meeting people a priority if it's going to make me happy. Easier said than done. This coming year, my classes are going to be extraordinarily difficult and I will definately be working during the school year. Oh yeah... even if I did find a girl, I'd have no money to be the chivalrous person I am.
So what do I do about all of this? This post has definately gone on much further and deeper than I intended. The fact is I don't know at the moment. I try things to get rid of that nagging feeling of dis-satisfaction, but most of the time that just makes it worse. Usually it just goes away naturally after a few days, only to return a day/week/month later. I could drink when I feel like this. I could do drugs. I could... but I know that won't solve anything.... There's just no easy way. Shit maybe I should go to mass. I havn't been since school ended. OK... I'm gonna end this one here because I know it could go on forever. I definately feel better for having vented a bit. And yeah people this blog is for me more than you! Duhhh :) :) but you may leave comments. I'll leave with this wonderful DMB song....
Oh and good job if you actually read the whole thing....
GOODNIGHT!
Artist: Dave Matthews Band
Song: The Best of What's Around
Hey my friend
It seems your eyes are troubled
Care to share your time with me
Would you say you're feeling low and so
A good idea would be to get it off your mind
See you and me
Have a better time than most can dream
Have it better than the best
So we can pull on through
Whatever tears at us
Whatever holds us down
And if nothing can be done
We'll make the best of what's around
Turns out not where but who you're with
That really matters
And hurts not much when you're around
And if you hold on tight
To what you think is your thing
You may find you're missing all the rest
Well she ran up into the light surprised
Her arms are open
Her mind's eye is
Seeing things from a
Better side than most can dream
On a clearer road I feel
Oh you could say she's safe
Whatever tears at her
Whatever holds her down
And if nothing can be done
She'll make the best of what's around
Turns out not where but what you think
That really matters
We'll make the best of what's around Ø
1 comment:
It's okay, Stevie, I still love you! Oh, and I think you should go pierce something. You'd looking fuckin' rad if you did. No one would expect it from you.
And if I've learned anything in all of my experience it's that nothing is as permanent as it may seem at the time. And then there are things that seem like they are never gonna last and yet, by some strange miracle they do. So basically, seize every opportunity that comes your way; it may become the best thing in your life and you never would know it until you give it a shot. People don't say "Carpe diem" just to hear themselves talk, my friend.
-Kate
Post a Comment